Location Transport - My girlfriends parents are crazy, help!?

My girlfriends parents are crazy, help!?

Here is the deal, my girlfriend and I are both very free spirited people, we cannot be tamed and we love to run wild, except together. Anyhow, we are both sixteen and Sophomores in high school. We go to different high schools but live half a mile from each other. Her parents are very religious; they belong to the right wing evangelical side of the Christian faith. My girlfriend is basically the black sheep in her family because she wears makeup, she wears clothing that shows she is a woman (She doesn’t really wear revealing clothing though), she cares about how she looks and she has a social life. She has six siblings. She has two older siblings, one is twenty the other is seventeen and four younger siblings (Three, seven, twelve and nine) Anyhow, everyone in her family except her and her older brother (He is seventeen) are “Good little Christian children” and their parents talk about how my girlfriend is a screw up and how her younger siblings will wrong her mistakes as a child, but they do not treat her older brother like this. These are direct quotes from her parents: “Well it is just nice to know she is not doing drugs.” (Uncaringly and serious) “She is the spawn of Satan!” (Seriously) “Your little sisters will be the little girls we always wanted but never got, minus your older sister.” (You get my point) So here is the problem: Her parents think she is not part of the family anymore because of all the time she spends with her friends and I away from her family, and in the process she is developing into an independent free thinker. Her parents are afraid that we are exposing her to ideas that will lead her away from the “Evangelical Christian path.” And when they all die she will not be able to spend eternity with them in paradise due to her being “A naughty little sinner.” So anyhow, here are the restrictions. 1.)She has to call her mom or dad whenever she changes locations, say she crosses the street to someone else’s house, and she has to call. 2.)She can only hang out one-week day a week three to five. 3.)She can only hang out one weekend day till 9:30 P.M. 4.)No sleepovers at any friend’s house. 5.)Wear what they tell her to. 6.)Go to church (She stopped, she is not as religious as she was, but I didn’t know her when she was) 7.)Do four hours of chores everyday since she is not hanging out. 8.)Breathe, eat, think and sleep the way we tell you to pretty much. It is blatantly obvious this is a religious issue, and I do not know what to do, however, I do know this is going to backfire on her parents horribly. You cannot restrain a free spirited person, the more you tie them down the more they kick and scream, then they will really start doing crazy things. If her parents control her every opportunity she gets she is going to go out and do something incredibly dumb (Drugs, alcohol, cheat on me) I am not saying this because she said she will, I know she will. She will do all those things because they would be “Breaking the rules.” And it would help her cope with the extra extreme control her parents have over her due to the new set of imposed rules. Doing drugs and drinking would be breaking their rules. Cheating on me would be breaking relationship rules. Get the idea? Also, I know how this will go, because I am EXACTLY like her and my parents tried to do the same thing to me last year before I met my girlfriend and it backfired in this same exact way. She has also told her best friend and I we are the reason she doesn’t go off the wall and keeps sane as it is, and her best friend is as concerned as I am, without us to keep her inline and these new rules, and the fact I get to see her little as it is because of the school set up is going to put serious strain on the relationship. What the hell do I do? Sorry this is really long.

Public Comments

She lives under their roof and is subject to their rules. How can it "backfire" when she is subject to their rules? I agree with Cay: "Rebellion... is NOT going to make things easier...". Declaring war on her parents will backfire. She is more likely to have rights and privileges taken away instead of being granted more. That's called "disciplining your child". Its an example of her "strategy" backfiring. This isn't merely rebellion (which is natural) but she actually appears to be threatening to do herself harm if she can't get her own way. All she will succeed in doing is harming herself. This is an attempt to manipulate others, and THAT is what will "backfire" also. Her parents hold all the cards, have all the power. She isn't even working a parttime job and has no money of her own: this is very foolish on her part. If she can do nothing else at all, she needs to be earning some dosh. No dosh, no alternative to the Bank of Mom and Dad. Money is power, money is freedom. Money gives you choices. Don't you think its amazing that they permit her to have a boyfriend? I do. My own parents would never have permitted such a thing. She is not being abused, I was. I know what abuse is and that ain't it. So when I was 16 I moved out and had my own apartment while I went to school fulltime and worked parttime. She can do the same thing if she wants.
What do YOU do? See her when she is available. Lots of people have restrictions on their time, including adults. As long as your gf lives under her parents' roof, they make the rules of her behaviour and if you want to continue to see her you either have to obey those rules or take the consequences. It doesn't sound abusive to me, although all that religious stuff is ghastly, but if she needs to make sure of that, she could contact the people at the link below. If her 'free spirited' nature prompts her to rebel by taking drugs or other self destructive behaviour, she needs more help than you can offer unless you have training in the area. See the school guidance counsellor, immediately. For you, there's nothing to be done except learn to be patient and make the most of the time you do have together, and be supportive of her not spend every minute bagging her parents. Think of enjoyable stuff to do without dwelling on the downside. Cheers :-)
Oh I must say congratulate her for her tolerance for if that was me I would have had a spasmodic yelling match and would be filing for parental divorce and currently be living with a foster family. Just get her to wait. She may hate her parents but by the sound of it she still does wear make up and socially normal clothes (to which her parents dislike), Just ignore their rules. I doubt there is anything physical they can do to stop her (which if it does occur it would be abuse). Many a time have I silenced parental irrational fears with just DOING it. "Don't come home past 7:30pm" No thank you Ill turn up at 2AM. They can yell all they like. Isn't there a relative she can stay with nearby? It would be my fisrt option. Second option, save money from work and put it away in a bank account slowly building it up to possibly start renting or a deposit for a house. YOUR job is to make sure SHE stays on the rails and doesn't become to rebellious. If you let her go bad i will scold you! Look after her. Also just be patient. :)
Im really sorry that she is unhappy. It's hard to feel like the black sheep so to speak. Rebellion however is NOT going to make things easier Im afraid. Life is one big Challenge after another. Maybe you can encourage her to think of it as a Challenge. Tell her when she meets those challenges, and concurs them, she is the stronger for it. She will then develop a serious strength about her that will get her through life's future messes easier. : ) Hope all works out
Tell her to talk to her school counselor and even her minister about this. If it continues to escalate she might have to call children and youth services. Her parents mean well but what there doing is considered child abuse in most states.
The ruless sound rather tiresome, but some of them are rules that I think a lot of parents might impose, regardless of religion. There are many parents who aren't keen on their children going out on school nights for example (in the UK most children of your age have a lot of homework to do). Four hours of chores seems an excessive amount though, I don't do much more than that myself, and for a schoolgirl it seems an awful lot. I think she should talk to her parents about this at it seems a quite unreasonable amount to me. As for drinking and doing drugs, well a lot of teenagers experiment with those whatever their background, and if she is willing to do drugs just in order to be a rebel then frankly I think she is a very silly girl. As for her being unfaithful to you, well at your age that is quite likely to happen anyway. After all, few sixteen-year-olds are ready for an exclusive relationship. If there's rules she's disatsifed with then she needs to discuss them with her parents. I really think they are making her do too much housework for example. four hours a day is quite absurd. But if they remain obdurate, then I suppose she will just have to put up with it until she is in a position to leave home. Which I suppose won't be until she graduates from high school.
You grow up and respect her parents wishes. Do you understand how selfish you sound. Everything was geared towards time with her. Will you act the same way when the univeristy ot a job places time restrictions on her availabilty?
Hoo boy, that sounds like a misery. Don't encourage her to rebel against her parents. I know you disagree with them (heck, I'm a conservative Christian myself, and I disagree with alot of what I'm hearing here!! that's craziness!), but encouraging her to sneak around and break their rules would also be a mistake. You don't want to create more trouble for her. Just support her and be there for her....and remind her that once she's 18 she can move out on her own without their permission if she so chooses. How is your relationship with your family? Do you guys get along, and do they like her? If you guys are tight maybe you should get her more involved with your parents and siblings, so she has a happier family environment than the one she's got now. Now that I've said all that...bear in mind that she's 16. I know that when you're that age you feel like you've arrived, you know it all, you've got a good grasp on reality, etc. You "know" that your parents are unreasonable and horrible, and they hate you and want to spoil your life. I've been there. So maybe she isn't giving you the most accurate depiction of life in her house. Teenagers tend to dramatize things like that and perceive them to be worse than they really are. So maybe her family isn't as awful as she's made them out to be, and all this stems from the fact that she doesn't believe what they do and she wants them to be the bad guys. (if they are that bad though....that sucks, and may I just say, that's not what a Christian is supposed to be like!)
I think you and her other friends need to remind her why you like her, and keep insisting that shes a good person. You and her friends can lead by example, for instance you should not be engaging in things that are not age appropriate, which means (no drinking, smoking, doing drugs, or having sex). But do not be obvious about your refusal, just make it seem uncool. Just because she has fanatical parents, does not mean she needs to go off the deep end in order to teach them a lesson. She would be better off living her life as best she can, and trying her hardest to be a decent and caring individual who strives for success without compromising herself. The bright side of this is that she will be 18 in a couple of years and not have to hear about what sort of person she is daily, by her parents who obviously do not know how to raise kids, if they allow their 16 year old daughter to go AWOL and not take positive steps to redirect her without alienating her. She will be better off!